2021 was the year where I took apart everything I had built professionally and examined it all, piece by piece. I share this to counter the shame that crops up when I share my story and I see fear flash across someone’s face and causing me to wonder if I was wrong in trusting and sharing. With that context, I share this with solidarity and strength, pride and courage. As 2022 begins to show us what she will be, may we have the courage, tenderness, and tenacity to know ourselves and rebuild accordingly. I know so many whose stories are similar.

In January, I said goodbye to the company I started 7 years prior. I now have the words to say the feeling around that was nothing less than deep heartbreak. While I’ve never regretted it, not a week goes by where I don’t grieve the loss of what it symbolized to me and can only look inward for affirmation that it mattered. My grit, resilience, creativity, friendships, passion, belonging. As only a major life shift can, seeing things from another perspective caused the sort of dizzying, life-please-slow-down kind of reflection. Who I am has always been tied to my work, never more so than when I was an entrepreneur. As much as I planned, I didn’t anticipate the seemingly endless searching that came with this.

When I first set out solo, I set the intention to work in a foundation to support climate startups and nonprofits like my own that needed nondilutive, non-VC capital to launch and scale. I took it as an auspicious moment that several foundations were hiring for the kind of role that would be a dream for me. Yet 6 months into that search I felt defeated. Piecing things together after another long interview process and yet another “no,” I read into the feedback that for some of the philanthropic sector, maybe I was “too MBA.” I read their 990s and knew I would have made different giving choices but without my own money or mentorship to learn, I needed to find another angle.

I also needed to find a way to work consistently and without interruption to my schedule. COVID precautions at preschool and a new baby kept us reliant on a revolving door of nannies to rival Jane and Michael Banks’ home pre-Mary Poppins. The work of essentially running a small staffing agency to find, interview, contract, and hire 5 appropriately COVID-safe nannies in the course of 12 months cannot be underestimated. Even the work of managing who would burst into my room and disrupt an interview, planning for that possibility, keeping my mind on track during said interruptions — it was all a lot at the time. When the kids were finally both in preschool, there was the revolving door of being sent home with cold symptoms followed by the 3-day routine of a PCR test and waiting for results approximately every other week. I felt misunderstood, angry, and left behind. And, yeah, I was jealous of my friends without kids who were stocking up on N95s to safely enjoy the cheap airfare prices to work around the world.

Also, there was the practical and angry task of paying back the IRS literally our life savings. (If you or an entrepreneur you know ever are a member of an LLC and that LLC takes out convertible debt, for the love of all things, make sure your accountant understands basis. Make sure you and your founders understand basis. For the love of all things, don’t make the same mistake. I did, and I later learned how common a mistake it is. Then why is there almost no discussion of this in entrepreneur circles? Where is this education for startups outside of accelerator programs? Please, someone, take this idea and run with it)

I learned to let go again and again, in every dimension of my life. Letting go on top of letting go, like layers of an onion, again and again, deeper and deeper. It often started with the feeling of languishing but then shifted into a sense of freedom. And so the year continued.

Along the way, I filled my hope and connection cup from things like volunteering at a local vaccine site. In February and March 2021 I spent several days helping out the vaccine effort as the first wave of older residents qualified for their vaccines. The moments of joy and connection were so pure and warmly welcomed after a difficult, lonely year for all of us. I cried with happiness as I helped 100s (1000s?) of San Diego Grandmas literally dance out the door of their first vaccine dose appointments to the 15-minute observation area in an abandoned mall food court. I remembered what it was like to simply be around people. I leaned hard into our local group of parent friends for support and friendship and had wonderful moments making urban canyon forts, joyful giggles, road trip travel to magical locations, and 1- and 4-year old birthday parties. Connection and community took on an importance like never before in personal and professional parts of my life.

When I heard of a fantastic digital community in ClimateTech called OnDeck, I applied and was awarded a fellowship. With the support of that community I was able to hone my approach towards supporting both philanthropic giving and catalytic investing for impact-focused family offices. I heard about what seemed to be a dream role and had the honor of advancing in the process several times. While I was not given an offer, it reaffirmed for me where I ultimately want to be: investing catalytic community and climate-centric capital with a great team and supporting a portfolio of companies with my operations + policy + ESG experience. I also built community with a group of women in cleantech and sustainability seeking private and nonprofit Board positions through a group called Athena Alliance. This supportive cohort has been amazing as I also map out the span of my Board service career in parallel to my day jobs. Both communities helped me in drawing the map for this next chapter of my career. And bringing these two things together, I saw the future of ESG reporting. I took an online course in impact measurement and management. I mentored startups and judged startup pitch competitions. I saw how the pieces of my career all fit together and for the first time in this journey the storyline becomes clear to me. I just needed to wait for the right thing. I’m fortunate to be able to wait, I thought. And I put my feelers out again.

Remember the theme of letting go, again and again, deeper and deeper? In September came the tragic, unexpected death of a close friend who was biking in a bike lane and was killed by a car driving in the wrong direction. Horrible grief in a year filled with so much of that already. I was filled with fresh sorrow for my friend and their baby and for all that could have been and what can never be. I was filled with fresh gratitude for my family’s safety. I was filled with regret for moments of connection we could have had but did not. I was lonely, I was raw. I was ready for belonging and stability. Matt’s death showed me how I undervalued the importance of belonging and stability the last year. I needed this to heal and rebuild.

When this year started, there have been a few constants. The friendship of our parent friend group in San Diego. Our cooperative preschool community. My committment to myself with weekly accupuncture, therapy, and mindfullness. And the support of a longtime CEO-mentor and her staff. I suppose in some ways, this reflection is a love letter to her and her unwavering support. Because through this last year, this mentor has taken me under her wing and given me a home. My belonging has come in a natural and quiet way. Throughout the last year I have worked alongside generous and brilliant colleagues as we integrated companies and organized for new growth-stage women-owned business certifications and policies. I have set into motion the underlying frameworks for ESG reports and programs. I have worked on Board recruitment strategy. Most important, I have found my professional belonging and community again. With a shift in perspective, it turns out I have been doing all the things I have set out to do in 2021.